From Why to Who

A brief reflection on faith.

From some bottomless well deep in my innards, a bellow of rage worked its way up and spurted out of my lips.

“Why did you do this to me?”

The words lashed from my mouth in the general direction of God.

Heat pervaded the whole surface of my face the way heat in a sauna does, but the heat came from the inside. I spent the rest of the drive in silence, waiting for some response. I was waiting on God to vindicate himself.

Nothing happened.

I turned into my neighborhood and coasted down the street. As I pulled in front of my house, the answer came. It came in a kind of interior awareness about the truth of things and it struck like a bolt of lightning — terrible and unexpected. It jolted me. Its voice was like an echo coming to me from the beginning of time. I heard in a place every bit as deep as the source of my original accusation and it split my insides.

“If I have any faith at all, I cannot ask that question. The person with faith can no longer ask that question, can no longer rail against God with an accusatory ‘why?’.”

This was a spiritual evisceration. Stunned, I breathed, deeply.

The inaudible voice continued: “You can only ask ‘who?’.”

In that instant, I became aware that the accusatory “why?” has no place for one who has faith. If God is who he says he is and if the Paschal Mystery really happened, then the one applicable question must be centered on the who. Who are you that you would enter into this or that situation with me? Who are you that you care for me despite my failings? Who are you, God of the universe who became so small that you took flesh? Who are you that you would enter into the depths of isolation and pain that result from my sin and being sinned against?